Existentialism (again...)

You know those people in the street, the ones who call themselves believers, sons/daughters of God, non-sinners and totally perfect human beings? They stand in front of your house, a group I'd say at least of 5, and the leader has a megaphone and calls you a sinner, he says (usually he, instead of she) the devil is living with you, you have denied God and will go to hell. You know how annoying they are? Just this week I was thinking, next time I see one of those groups, I'm gonna walk in their direction, stand right in front of them and ask, will they go to war to preach about their God? Will they preach to poor people? They are the ones who need a spiritual guide, or wasn't Jesus sent to this fucking planet to save them? To save the ones who have lost their faith. Their will. I'm probably gonna get yelled at and called a daughter of satan by this people, but whatever, I get that same speech all week (except saturdays maybe).

But you know what's wonderful about getting the same boring ass speech? What's wonderful is hearing people who actually make me reconsider and doubt of my so called religious crisis. For spanish class (which is exactically the same as english class, but in spanish, obviously) we had to pick a song, make our classmates listen to it and explain why we picked that specific song. A lot of them picked christian songs. And I must say they weren't convincing. But yesterday something happened. One of my classmates made me doubt. He used his own words to describe his reasons to believe. He said, he always knew about Him, but he didn't want to believe. And now that he does, he can't stop doing it. He needs it. He cherishes every single moment of his life as a believer. But he used his own words. He didn't say it like he had to say it. He said it like he wanted to say it. And that was amazing. It was so weird ... I wasn't expecting that of him. What was even more amazing is that when I told him this, he started crying. He cried like a baby. Although he didn't want to, he did anyway. It was crazy...

And just now I came back from visiting an uncle, who happens to be a believer. He's probably the only person I can sit down, shut up and listen to whatever he has to say to me. I've known him all my life and I respect him. And he's probably one of the few people I can believe in when he says God exists. He actually called me a rebel. He said I needed a place where I could be myself and be with God. But honestly, I hate being pushed. So I got mad when he told my mom to take us to his church. Which I hope with all my heart she does not, because I'm gonna stay outside. I know that as a teenager I'm supposed to need that christian guidance. But I've heard the same fucking speech so many times in the past 2 or 3 years I'm bored of it. Don't we all have the right to rebel? That's why I love this quote so much: Rebellion is the cure for casual malcontent, however temporary it may be - William Beckett. Genius. Or if he got it from sowhere else, still genius for quoting it.

I think my problems are, in deed, existential. If I'm questioning my own existence, I am therefore questiong also God's existence. If he does exist, and he created us human beings and gave us the ability to think, then don't I have my right to question him, myself, my parents, and practicly the human race itself and everything else that he created? I like to think I do. But maybe I don't even think. Maybe I'm himself and he's questioning himself. Maybe I'm a complex-minded character from a book. A book whose writer created to feel okay with himself, to feel like he's responsible of something so big that got out of his hands and now he regrets it.

I need answers. But as I look for them, I ask more questions that have difficult answers, or don't have them at all.

Or maybe we should just fuck off...