wow, this is LONG!

I'll start by saying this: knowing me, this will come out nonsense, as much as I try to explain it in the most easier way, it will come out nonsense, anyway. But still, I will do my best. It won't be as much trouble for you to read if you've read any Chuck Palahniuk book, I'm probably as messy as he is when it comes to tell a story, but at the end when you're done reading it, everything makes sense, even if sometimes you feel like you don't understand it.

When you're a kid, everything is easier for mom and dad, or whoever is raising you. In my case, mom and dad. See, the irony of this is that my granfather on my dad's side, is called Abraham. And my family is huge. Incredibly huge. I probably know just 1% of it, and that's already a lot of relatives. And my granfather Abraham is a pastor. Of course, his wife, my grandmother Teresa, is christian. She's a saint. I never say that about people, but she is a saint. Perhaps patience is the most notable thing about her, and I've always admired her for that. So, they had 6 kids (though one of them died) and named them biblical names. Isaac, Damaris, David, Paul (I think that's his name, but he's the one who died), Joel (my dad!) and Susana. SEE?! Totally christian names. My dad married my mom, who is his cousin, cause my granfather on my mom's side is half-brother of my other grandfather Abraham. It's amazing that none of the three kids that were born from them didn't born with a pig tail. My mom was also raised in a christian family. Now, when I was a kid, I didn't complain about church. Of course not, cause I had my friends over there. Although we are not friends anymore, but at the time we were really good friends. That's why I liked going to church. And, since I didn't complain, grownups took advantage of that and started teaching us little kids stuff about the bible and Jesus. See, when I was a kid, I NEVER believed that God made the universe in seven days. Or more like, six days, cause on the seventh day he took a break. Everytime I was told that story, I closed my eyes, but didn't say anything about it. Then, one day I really started thinking about the posibilities of making a universe in six days. Since God is not human, or in fact, he's just God, and everyone said he's a supreme being, I though "maybe he has superpowers". Because honestly, if he was a normal human being, and human beings do not have superpowers, unless they're X-Men, then he couldn't have created the universe in six days. Therefore, GOD HAS SUPERPOWERS. I told this to my parents one day, and they laughed at me. So, they explained me, that God has his own time. Um... what? seriously? Yes sweetie. Ok so if this guy did not have superpowers, but he has his own time, then seven days are not seven days? they're what... seven years? seven hundred years? seven minutes? seven SECONDS? SEE?! See how grownups convince little kids about something and just mess with their heads? it's horrible. Shame on them. Ok, God did not have superpowers. What a bummer, huh? I was really liking that idea. And seven days in his time are not really seven days, but they wrote that on the bible just so the human being could later invent this thing we now know as "week". That was my final conclusion and I was not going to think about it again. Moving on! When I was 12 I started going to the youth group meetings. I was the youngest one, so everyone else felt like they had this responsibility with me. They took good care of me, I must add. And one day we got an invitation to a regional youth groups meeting! Which meant, of course, that christian youth groups were going to meet in this place and talk about God and be all friendly with everyone. So, ladies and gentleman, we went. And... ok, this is a really important part of the story. I met a boy there. (go ahead, you can aw) The thing with this boy was that, before meeting him I liked one of the boys from church, but I was nothing more to him than his buddy's little sister. On the other hand, this other boy made me feel quite special... like I'd never felt before. This was a week before my 13th birthday. And yes, he gave me my first kiss. He was 15. And. I gave him his first kiss. He was (and to the day, still is) a poet. So he made a poem for me! When it was time to leave, of course, none of us wanted to leave, but that's how life is, everything ends eventually. We shared e-mails and phonenumbers (and lips), then goodbye-see-you-soon-call-me. It was beautiful! (Also, I have to add, that day when I got home, my mom started crying when my dad told him about my first kiss, I ingored her and went to her room to watch THE EXORCIST). But. I was 12 years old! I hardly saw him after that and we didn't get to talk that much on the phone or via msn. So I broke up with him, like a month before his 16th birthday. Bitch. But now I'm glad I did it. After that we actually talked a lot and became really good friends. First love crisis, it wasn't that bad really. This all happened in 2004. Now, fast forward to ... 2006, the year I met Panic At the Disco and my two best friends. Another thing that I was told, was that whoever did not believe in God, was literally Satan. Both of this girls were not believers, yet, both of them were much better persons and friends than all of the people from church together. How could anyone explain that? How, ON EARTH, was it possible, that this two girls were more loyal, patient, and open-minded than the pastor himself?! I tried hard to understand this, but I was not going to waste my time thinking, I was going to spend it with them. And so I did, and so I have been doing since then, and they have been the best friends I've ever had. And I am thankful for having them with me. Now, as any teenager, I started looking for myself. But I didn't go too far really, at least not in the looks. But I did like wearing black clothes. It was easier than trying to see which colors combine and which not. Plus, I HATE SHOPPING. Now, at church there was (don't know if still is) this lady who was clearly millionaire, cause she always looked "good". Ok... good is not the right word. To her age, she didn't look good. She was at least 45, but she dressed like if she was 20 years younger. There's nothing wrong in wanting to look younger, but HONESTLY? TWENTY YEARS YOUNGER? Isn't it a little too much? And because she thought she looked so good, she looked down at me all the time. This is another thing I have never understood and accepted. What does "come as you are" exactically mean? If in a normal week day, I wear ... a pair of jeans, chucks and a black shirt, why can't I wear that every sunday? That is how "I am", why are they telling to not "be me"? And then, not only her, but everyone else started giving me wtf stares. I got really pissed off and I decided one day to stop going. Also, I really wasn't pay attention at all to whatever the teacher/pastor was saying... not that I didn't care, I just didn't get it, and I wasn't making any effort to understand it either. Of course my dad got mad at me. And my mom too... but what the hell, there really is no point in doing something you can't do. Or trying to understand something that you don't. No matter how hard I tried, still, I couldn't. I felt sorry though, for my parents. Now, another fast forward, to 2008. We'd been looking for a house for a long time, and had finally found one. We lived in a really small apt, in the suburbs, and it was really horrible the environment there. Shitty music, drugs, thieves, rapists. There was dog shit in the sideways all the time. I used the street to walk and I avoided going out, cause I got a lot of stares from men. And it was disgusting. My parents told me that I could move to another school if I wanted to. My aunt, who lives like 9 houses away from mine (we live in a condo), is a teacher in a school close from here, and she said we could go to her school. It was a christian school. I really thought "it can't be that bad...". March 18th, first day in the new school. For some reason, the people from USA love to come to Chile to "christianize" us, as if we were living in the jungle and knew nothing of Jesus. So, I spent my first day talking with this american guys. My classmates were like "oh she speaks english?!?!" cause none of them did. The principal of this school, to my surprise, was also our head teacher, and religion class teacher (she called it "christian education", but it was the same thing). Her speech was all the time: you HAVE to believe, you HAVE to be good, you HAVE to do as the bible says. HAVE, HAVE, HAVE. All the time, it was about HAVING to do something. As far as I know, taking the decision of accepting Jesus into your heart, OR NOT, is totally PERSONAL. I write this one word really big and remarked, because that's what I was tought in all my many years of being a good girl and attend to church. Another thing I knew, but this one was a general principle, is that what other believers can do for you is lead you, teach you and help you to understand the bible. She was MAKING us believe. And THAT is something that you CAN NOT do to another person. You. Simply. DO. NOT. MAKE. THEM. BELIEVE. Unfortunately, she thought she was raising us well and never realized (until the end of the year) that she was fucking wrong. And, this time I did not stay quiet. I spoke up. Anytime I knew she was wrong, I raised my hand, and in the most polite way I told her "but...". Yet, she never heard me. She always told me "maybe, but not". She, was being God. But we, were not listening to God. So we weren't listening to her. Through all the year, we had a huge fight with her. Especially me. To her, I was Satan. To me, she was Satan, but I found it funny. To her it was a big deal. One day, the day I declared nuclear war to her, she showed us this video. First, that video was old. Old like from late 80's. This video, the one and only thing I remember it said, was that fans of rock music were satanic. Simple as that. Oh seriously...? So we are satanic! How hilarious is that! The non-hilarious part of it, was that she wanted me to stop listening to music. Yeah, she did... And oh fuck, she tried so hard to convince me that Hotel California was a satanic song! and that Jimmy Page, Jimi Hendrix, Brian May and Angus Yung were part of a satanic cult! and that the Hot Red Chilli Peppers (lol Guy Ripley, I love you) were satanic because they take their shirt off in their shows! Thank goodness she did not say anything about The Beatles, cause I would've killed her. I was really trying to take this in a good way, but after she said that about BRIAN MAY (I've been a huge Queen fan since the sweet age of 4), I started thinking "ok, you're fucking crazy and you must be put in your place". Though it was hard, at the end of the year she FINALLY realized that was she was doing was wrong, and as much as she tried to show us the way to the light, she was totally blind. And, she probably wrote this. It sounds like her. YES, THERE ARE PEOPLE LIKE IN THE WORLD. Wow guys, clearly you've never watched Saved!. Watch it. I can say it's "based on actual events". Ok. Another things that bothers me, is the kind of God christian people believe in. If he truly created everything, then he also created evil. And christian people believe that God is good, and kind. I used to think that, but then I realized that God did not create evil, but he have the human being the ability to think, and therefore, the human being can create evil. If an lion kills a zebra, would you say it's evil? It is not, because the lion needs to feed, and the zebra is food for lions. Animals do not think, they act by instincts. It is us, the humans, who have been slowly but surely destroying our planet. So when a man or a woman kill, or rape, or do something horrible to another person, and they're called "animals", it's wrong. They should be called "humans". Would an animal rape another animal? An animal would only kill another animal in order to survive. The God that people make us believe in is a good God. But one day, one of my classmates showed me a paper. It said something like "John Lennon said that The Beatles were more famous than Jesus, and then he died", "Marilyn Monroe said she didn't need God, and she died". It was a list about people who'd said that they didn't need God, and after that they'd died. So, I asked him, where is your good God? the one you're showing me here is clearly taking this people back for saying that. The God you're showing me, I said, is one that takes revenge. But, the one you always talk about is good and kind. Are they the same? Or is there another mean God who kills people because they don't need him? Or, could it be, which according to me is the most possible answer, that this is only a coincidence? I don't really believe in coincidences, but if your God is really good, would he really kill people for saying they don't need him? And, of course, the paper said that all this people went to hell. Now, I told him, would you tell me what IS hell? Does it really exist? And if it does, where is it? And what about heaven? Does it really exist?. I don't remember if he answered me, but I didn't sleep that week thinking about that... is there actually a heaven and a hell? And, is there actually a DEVIL?! The fun side about this is that anytime anyone mentions the devil, I think of Red from Cow And Chicken, or Him from Powerpuff Girls. But, to be honest, this is my favorite devil of all times. Now, I'm gonna be real honest before I continue this thing about Heaven and Hell... I have always liked monsters. Especially, the devil. I've always found this character quite interesting. Red, was a real pain in the ass, and he was really obscene. Him, is really, really queer. But that Devil from Constantine, is one of a kind. Peter Stormare, I love you. And also, another devil I must say it's interesting, is of course Dave Grohl in Tenacious D: The Pick Of Destiny. Dave Grohl, I've loved you since I'm 12. But, back to monsters, they've always been an interesting subject to me. In my little twisted mind, they are not bad and creepy as grownups usually say they are. In fact, they're even better friends than normal people. And I constantly find myself drawing them... ok now, back to heaven and hell. After a week of not sleeping, I came to the final conclusion that it was all psychological, because God is different to each one of us, and it may not even exist for a lot of people. So, heaven and hell are also psychological. And personal. My heaven would be a place with music all day long. Like an eternal Warped Tour, but I could pick the line-up. My hell, would be school. Because I HATE SCHOOL. So, while heaven will be a delightful place, with music coming out of orange trees and coffee and spaghetti and psycho movies, my hell would be school. Simple as that. Now, this is where I link two things I wrote about: the devil and the ability of the human being to think. Well, thinking is actually linked to everything. And this is a theory I've been considering since I read The Holographic Universe. What if, there is no such thing as God/Devil/Heaven/Hell, and the humans just created it, to name something they were afraid of and didn't understand?

This isn't everything, though. This is just what I could put in order. There are still so many things I would like to write about, and eventually I will.

Although, there is just one thing I am certain of: my faith in humanity is what I have lost. My teachers, relatives, even some friends, people who have tought me about God and the bible, they are wrong. I am alone in this, but I do not want any help from them either. At some point, if I feel like I need help, I will ask for it. But until then, I will just read, think, speak up and discuss.

Do not take everything for granted. Doubt of what you are told and always think everything more than twice.